• PURPLE socks with open toed black shoes with light brown wood wedge heels and pants that are too short
• charcoal pinstripe suit with metallic grey tie (in lieu of tux? WTF?)
• 80s 3/4 length LEGGINGS with open toed sandals in lieu of nylons and black shoes (saw this on at least 3 people)
• Babydoll/empire waist dresses (shirts?) that have low scooped necks and skirts that rest 4 inches ABOVE the knee when sitting down... especially when the person in question is playing cello... (there were sightings in violins and winds as well)
• old, wooly, pilled sweaters that look like they've sat in a moth-filled basement for 10 years too long
• Extremely low cut thin fabic shirts that show off your spare tire and massive cleavage due to push up wonderbra (choir girls, caaa mon!)
• white socks
• running shoes, esp. white

• my speech is almost normal again - I still have some stutter/stammer lapses when I'm particularly stressed out or upset, but for the most part I sound like my old self again.  I didn't realize how much we rely on our voices and speech patterns for expression and getting our point across when we're speaking with others until I didn't have control over my vocal tone.  I am grateful that it is normalizing again.  I was not referred to a speech pathologist but instead worked through a lot of it myself, using web links to speech pathology sites, and reading about how people with Parkinson's and stutters regain control of their voices.  Mom and Dalen helped too, with their patience and their suggestions (and laughter).
• I am learning to laugh again. The light is back in my eyes. What is that light? I don't know... I could postulate... but I know that since early September, which is when I showed the most recovery in the past year or so, a lot of people have mentioned that they can see something different in my eyes- like a dense fog has lifted.  For this, I am grateful.
•  I am playing a lot of music. Not all of it is paying gigs, but I am grateful that despite the fact that I cannot work full time right now (and am awaiting the results/approval of my long term disability through work) I am able to stay active in the music community.
• I am also happy to be engaged (!?!!) to my partner of two and a half years. D is an amazing person and we have gone through so much together.  We have our down moments but the obstacles we have overcome together have only made our relationship stronger.  We inspire, and teach each other, and for that I am grateful.
• I have been making great progress in reaffirming and redeveloping my spiritual connections. This has been a lifelong quest for me, and I daresay it is not near concluded, but I am grateful for the spiritual guidance I have received and the mentors I have been fortunate to have met who have helped facilitate the journey.
• My memory is back, as well as my cognitive faculties - primary concern was the fact that by June I could barely sight-read junior high band music... After massive medication switches and a lot of work on the part of my GP and my holistic team, I am back to a point where I can think clearly and read music at the level to which I am accustomed.
• I am thankful for learning to say no... and for learning (finally) how to remove myself from situations and committments which make me stressed or elicit negative reactions. I recognize that this is not always possible, but having the ability to make these decisions now has allowed me to take stock in which pursuits are healthy for my mind, body and spirit (and which are not).

I have been tapering off valproate for the last week or so and I had a massive myoclonic (jerking, shaking) episode yesterday. I went back to the GP clinic that had my files (it's a walk-in clinic) and I very luckily was seen by an amazingly compassionate GP who is now seeing me full-time and has become, overnight, part of my care team.

As the muscle relaxants aggravated my condition and I've been taken off valproate (which is okay since it's so liver-damaging), we are trying another angle on treatment for me: if it IS psychogenic, then it may be PTSD-related to the car accident et. al. I am trying a trial run of beta-blockers which have had some clinical trial success in treating both PTSD and essential tremors.

At this point I'm willing to try from any angle. This new GP is not prescribing muscle relaxants and pain medications (except for topical NSAID liquid for my neck and upper back) and is determined that he can get me functioning again. Just having someone in the medical system that is willing to take the time to hold my face still to stop the tremors, look me in the eyes and say "you can do it" was enough to bring tears to my eyes.

He's taking me off all my medications even though I said one of them was helping. (I will follow his advice because I'm not a big fan of liver-damaging drugs, but I'm scared that my myoclonus will come back big time!)

The sad thing for me, about this, is that I HAVE been on an antidepressant since shortly after my symptoms appeared last October, and although this medication is supposed to be top line for psychogenic movement disorders, it doesn't help my physical symptoms. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16426091

I am now very frustrated because the neurologist wouldn't give me any further information about what's going on or what to do about it, and the psychiatrist is like talking to a dead fish. He has not been very helpful and kept referring my questions back to the neurologist (who now is referring me back to the psychiatrist).

I don't want to start "doctor shopping" although I am going to try for a second opinion. I don't have an appointment with the psych doc until August 12 and although my case worker advised me to "nail him down to a treatment path and push him for information and answers" I'm losing faith quickly in the efficacy of these medical "specialists."

Sorry to vent but it's very frustrating and I hate feeling powerless and out of control of my own body.

Best wishes to all, hope everyone is hanging in there

• I'm scared of the intensity of the emotions I feel when I actually consider what's triggering how I feel.
• I'm scared of the intensity of the emotions I feel and their effect on others when I try to explain how I'm feeling in person.
• I don't want to admit weakness, particularly the sad, depressed, or crying (for any reason) type.
• I'm stubbornly trying to work through everything by myself to prove to myself that I can do it.
• I can't think straight enough to really explain how I'm feeling and why, concisely.

• I'm pissed off at my manager for her unrealistic and unjustified evaluations of my work performance, and the subsequent performance development plan she delivered to me a couple weeks ago.
• She's continued to prove to me that she can be very technologically challenged, that she hasn't kept up with her side of the work, and that she is inconsistent in her employee evaluations and expectations.
• I'm financially bereft, still. Wallowing in debt, unable to figure out how to come up. D is going on medical EI but we haven't seen the cheques yet and he's been without work or disability pay since December.  I'm quickly running out of options and very very concerned about trying to pay for everything - bills, medical stuff, gas, food, rent. Definitely rent.
• My house is a mess and I lack the inspiration and motivation to actually clean it up, even though it continues to ruin my feelings when I come home to a place that looks like a bomb went off.
• I want to quit my job because I'm frustrated with it but I have nowhere else to go.
• I'm pissed off at the lack of forthcoming musical gigs because they're the only employment opportunities when I actually look forward to going to work, and, heavens forbid, I actually enjoy that work.
• I'm saddened by the dawning reality of growing older and not feeling any more stable in life. Quarter-life crisis? What?
• I've been recommended for a medical treatment program that takes 18 weeks of treatment, but I would have to work full time during it (even though it's not necessarily recommended) because my job does not have short-term disability options, only long-term, which don't kick into effect until after 120 days. (You do the math.)
• I'm really freaking tired of the institutional pale green walls in my rental house. I really wish I could repaint almost the entire house.